OMG six years together! (crazy stuff we’ve learned)

In 2018, we broke up.

We navigated through me having a MASSIVE crush on another guy.

We did sex rituals.

We questioned whether this was really “it.”

We fell madly in love.

We argued.

We created space to explore ourselves and our sexuality.

In other words, we are in a relationship.

We’ve been doing our absolute best each and every day to stay true to ourselves and to discover what real love actually is.

I think there is a new kind of relationship emerging for couples who are ready.

It’s something we’re all exploring together as we go and it’s just so helpful to pull the curtain back and hear the real story from the inside!

In this video, we share with you some of the most life-changing and sometimes crazy insights we’ve learned about relationships in the last 6 years.

Hopefully it inspires you in your relationship/s (or in what is possible).

This happened when they gave themselves permission

About a month ago, I challenged you to spend a day giving yourselves full permission to do anything you desired…

and to record it.

Lots of you sent in INCREDIBLE videos detailing your experiences!

I noticed all of you gave yourselves permission to:

– Take time for yourself
– Eat whatever you wanted
– Move at your own pace

And, of course, because this is our community, you also gave yourselves full permission to:

– Buy sexy underwear
– Take a bubble bath instead of a shower
– Be silly in public

My team and I compiled some of the best clips into the video below

We almost broke up before I learned this

I have spent a lot of time feeling underwhelmed by the men in my life.

In my relationships and dating, I’ve often felt like I was sitting around waiting for him to commit, waiting for him to grow up, waiting for him to evolve sexually, spiritually, emotionally…

Waiting for him to meet me in the way that I desire…

While I sat around on my high horse…perfect…and waiting.

Can you relate?

And every time he didn’t please me, meet me, show up for me…

I got more and more bitter and angry and then crushed him in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

(Augghhhh! I’m saying it! It’s true! It’s so embarrassing!)

This behaviour destroyed many of my relationships, and it damn near destroyed my relationship with Andrew…

Until I learned how to be an Initiatress.

What I discovered from observing my own life…and so many lives of women around me…

Is that most of us are sitting around waiting for the men to show up, waiting for the men to be fully conscious, waiting for the men to practice tantra (finally, jeez…)…

And I was like, Why the hell are we sitting around waiting?

To me, it is a deep, deep conditioning that men ‘need to lead’.

But what if that’s not how it’s supposed to be?

What if women were always supposed to lead in sex and love and consciousness?

At least…what if we’re meant to initiate…

And once we’ve opened the door…and seduced him into it…and initiated him…

Then he initiates you…

And then you initiate him…

And suddenly, you’re on the cycle you so crave to be on together….

What if this was what you were waiting for all along?

But it takes you and me saying, “Wait a minute…maybe I’m not supposed to sit around and wait for a man to do all these things….”

“What if I used my truth, my energy, my wisdom, my sparkle to inspire him into these higher places?”

That’s an Initiatress.

(Oh, and if he doesn’t respond? Then maybe he’s not your guy. But if you never step into your role as Initiatress, you’ll never know the full potential of your relationship.)

Full permission to do whatever you desire today

If you ask any of my friends how much permission I give myself, they’ll probably tell you “a lot.”

I burp at the table. (Sorry, Mom)

I wear lots of glitter, velvet, gold and faux fur (at the same time).

I tell people my truth (even when it’s a hard truth that they don’t want to hear).

I dance and laugh like I’m having a full-body orgasm (because I usually am).

I will tell strangers about the infinite wisdom of pussy and the benefits of sex magic (because I’m here to make these things mainstream).

But I knew there were places where I still lived in a little cage of my own creation…

Places where I don’t give myself full permission.

Because I’m afraid people won’t like me.

Because I’m afraid people will judge me.

Because I’m afraid of being fully alive and powerful.

(Can you relate?)

So I challenged myself for a day (that turned into two days) to give myself full permission…

And filmed it all…and this is what happened…

Now, I want to hand the challenge to you…

Can you give yourself full permission for a day?

Full permission to dress how you want, say what you want, dance how you want, and live how you want?

Record yourself on your smartphone giving yourself full permission (and the results) and send it back to me and I’ll include you in my upcoming youtube video.

After filming your video, upload it to Dropbox, Wetransfer or Youtube and send us the link to the video at: laylamartin@laylamartin.com (Please don’t attach your video in the email as we won’t be able to view it, you must upload it to one of the above platforms and share the link) ❤️

This is how she broke my heart

I met my platonic soulmate, Chelsey when I was 21 years old.

I don’t think I realized quite how lonely I had been until we laughed together in the kitchen of our Berkley, California hippie living situation dressed in our long skirts and wool hats…

And I felt truly seen and truly met for the very first time.

She wanted to meditate in the stillest silence ever…

And make love in the loudest ecstasy…

Up until then, I suspected I was the only weirdo on the planet who craved such opposing (and surprisingly similar!) experiences…

But she wanted them, too.

She was my very, very best friend.

And I thought because she loved me – and because we loved each other – we could do anything together.

We finished college together – we travelled the world together – we made money doing slightly illegal things together – and we studied Tantra together and did meditation retreats together.

She was crazy stylish and crazy deep.

Then, when I was 25, she called me and said she never wanted to speak to me or see me again.

My heart broke.

And it was a different kind of pain than I’d felt before.

Sure, men had broken my heart. But I expected them to.

Chelsey was my friend. My chosen sister. She was forever.

Until she wasn’t.

She had her reasons and I can understand where she was coming from…

I was in therapy for my childhood sexual trauma and I was often depressive and could lash out for no reason.

I’d grown up in a family where screaming was the norm and I was pretty intense for her nervous system.

I could be harsh and unforgiving and controlling.

But after I’d processed the deep, deep pain, I wrote her a letter and shared with her that while I could understand her taking space…

What hurt the most was her saying she “never” wanted to see me again…

It felt like she was saying I could never get better.

That I would never overcome my trauma.

That I would never do better than my family taught me.

That I would never decide that my love for other people was stronger than my fear.

And to have my very best friend in the world say that was painful in ways I still don’t fully understand.

I’ve always been able to be close to women in my life…my momma will tell you I always had the very best friends.

But after that…well…it took a while to trust again.

I went through some of the deepest, most lonely years of my life.

So, I know what it can feel like to open yourself up completely to a female friend…

And have her judge you – hurt you – and abandon you.

But one thing I found was that when I pulled back and stopped loving the women in my life as a result…

I was sooooooo lonely.

Oh my god, it was unbearable.

So I started to trust again.

Started to share my deepest fears again.

And the friendships I made filled the deep loneliness in my heart that only female friends can.

I believe we can only really meet each other as women when we are willing to share it all – our highest highs and our lowest lows.

My friend Nisha Moodley said it in a way I love:

“I’ll be there to pop the champagne with you when it’s time to celebrate.

And I’ll be there holding the bucket when it’s time to puke.”

I teach the women in my courses (and I use this all the time in my own life)…

To do a process where you celebrate what you are proud of…

And then share what you fear…

And then what you desire.

It’s so freeing to talk about fears with other women.

In this video, I brought together a group of women who are strangers and asked them to share their fears and desires together.

Watch what happens (and learn the technique to use yourself)

How to feel closer to the women in your life

Okay, this might sound super crazy, but I find that it can be harder to talk to you about sisterhood than sex.

What I mean is…we’ve all been hurt by other women.

We’ve all got fears of being abandoned.

We’ve all felt angry and sad that we aren’t (or weren’t) accepted as ourselves by other women.

And so when I talk about sisterhood…so many times I am met with discomfort.

But, underneath all those fears is a deep longing to connect.

It’s been said before, but I’ll say it as clearly as I can:

One of the key ways women have been disempowered is by breaking their connections with each other.

When I am jealous, threatened, suspicious and fearful of other women…

I am also alone.

And I get to participate in the patriarchal narrative of hating on other women and then usually also myself.

It’s a brilliant way of keeping women isolated.

But when I love other women…when I celebrate them (hard)…when I share intimately with them…

I feel so powerful it’s like nothing can stop me.

Sisterhood used to feel like kind of a lame word to me…

But my experience of it is that it is powerful and vast and deep as all of nature.

That I thrive, literally, because I have sisterhood.

A rich fabric of amazing women that love me.

And what I see over and over again is that most women do not have this –

Even I didn’t fully have the kind I craved until a few years ago.

And that bonding, truly bonding with women can still be so scary and painful.

So, in this 2 part video, I want to share ways that I have found where women can heal the wounds around sisterhood and create their own.

In this video, I share what it means to celebrate other women (and yourself) and how to make that a regular part of your experience with other women.

3 Simple Tools to Build Confidence

Even though I always knew I was talented, I often questioned whether I’d ever be happy or successful in life because I was so anxious and insecure. I often cried in the car after parties because I felt like I’d f***ed up so badly in my conversations.

I also had a hard time not doing things like eating directly from the Haagen-Daz coffee ice cream container for breakfast, which didn’t seem to portent great things for my future. Second guessing myself internally at every turn made my inner world a living hell.

And the worst part, because I didn’t have the confidence to be myself—I felt horribly lonely because no one had the chance to actually love me for me. Many people abandoned me during those years, mostly because I had abandoned myself.

Turning that all around is what I consider one of my greatest life accomplishments. It’s allowed me to create such an amazing life, and most of all, to really love people and myself. So every time I see someone struggling with confidence, my heart totally goes out to them. I’ve been there….I know how much it sucks…and of course I still struggle with it sometimes, too…

A lot of you have written to me asking about how to be more confident…

So in this video I’m going to share with you my top 3 tools for creating confidence in your life. Check them out below.

A Sensual Yoga Practice for Goddesses

This video is a response to one of the biggest requests I get: “What is something I can do every day to love myself and feel good in my body?”

Voila! I made you a Sensual Yoga practice for women that you can do every morning. It’s 10 minutes long and it’s ahhh-may-zing. How do I know? ‘Cause I loved it so much I’ve been doing it in the morning myself and it really makes me feel fantastic.

Take 10 minutes and really give yourself a treat – and then let me know how you feel in the comments section below.

How to Deal with Jealousy and Anger in a Healthy Way

I get really jealous.

I get really angry.

It can be hard sometimes not to want to push those feelings away and be a perfect rainbow flavored sparkle light of joy all the time.

Haha, I wish. But let’s get real. Everyone gets pissed off and jealous at times.

And if I don’t own it, feel it and then let it go, I end up depressed. Owning my emotions (especially the harder ones to deal with), feeling them and then letting them go makes me feel way more alive than trying to fight them.

The powerful 3 step process that I’m sharing with you this week was Andrew’s idea. He watched me lead it on a call, screaming and bashing pillows, so it was hard to look away…

…and found it so useful that he wanted me to share it with you in a video. It not only helps you see what parts of your jealousy and anger are yours to own but which parts (if any) are caused by whoever you’re angry at. This is a process for feeling your emotions, owning them, and…the most important part, letting them go.

If you’re struggling with any difficult emotions right now, or you find yourself blaming people in your life for situations, this practice is incredibly useful. I’ve found that it’s really changed my life. Try the powerful process for yourself below.